Christmas songs. They’re a bit mad, aren’t they? As far as I can tell, the genre of Christmas Song encompasses three distinct types of song.
The first is the traditional, “this is the true meaning of Christmas”-type things. You know, songs like Angels from the Realms of Glory, Hark The Herald, O Little Town of Bethlehem, and so on. Jesus Christ-mas songs.
The next kind is the “Christmas is a thing in winter for happy times” songs – tunes like White Christmas, Jingle Bells, Merry Christmas Everybody, or my favourite, Christmas Time (Don’t Let The Bells End) by The Darkness.
The third kind is “this was in the pop charts at the end of December, ergo it is a Christmas song”. This is the weird side of Christmas tunage. We’re talking 2 Become 1 by the Spice Girls. Stay Another Day by East 17. Keeping The Dream Alive by Frei Heit (or however you spell it). And Chocolate Salty Balls by Isaac Hayes performing as Chef from South Park.
The lyrics revolve around the process of preparing and baking one of Chef’s favourite Christmas treats, the titular chocolate salty balls. You are advised that should you wish to replicate the creation of said balls, you should grease up your cookie sheet, as Chef hates it when his balls stick. And once prepared, you should stick them in your mouth and suck them.
You really have got a dirty mind, you know. It’s a Christmas recipe. My face is up here.
Anticipating that the recipe may not be quite workable in it’s original audio form, I did a quick search on
Altavista Google and discovered this little gem from Geeky Chef.
Right, children, let’s get cracking!
Butter, sugar and brandy in a pan, bring to the boil.
Remove from heat, hurl in the chocolate chips….
Well that’s not a good start. I don’t have any chocolate chips. Or chocolate for that matter. THIS IS A DISASTER. Wait. Just wait…what’s this at the back of the cupboard?
Why, it’s some chocolate coins that I bought for Christmas and then lost! Huzzah! The children will eat today! (Americans are now all like, chocolate coins for Christmas? I mean, we knew there were some issues due to Brexit, but you can now eat your money? No, sillies, it’s a…thing)
Several minutes were spent unwrapping the coins. Life pro-tip: The easiest way to do it is to snap them in half. The foil just falls off then. I found this out by accident, so you’ve learned from my experience. You’re welcome.
Stir them in, and beat some eggs in a bowl. Slowly pour (dollop) the chocolate mix in while mixing. This is very easy with an electric mixer. Chuck everything else in and mix it up.
Grease up that cookie sheet, and pour the mix on, bung it in the oven and drink the rest of the brandy.
Finally, remove it from the oven, and curse quietly under your breath, as once again we have been visited by the phantom oven tipper. Or the kitchen is still on a tilt, you can decide.
Turning the cooked brownie mix into balls was made easier with the use of an ice cream scoop. That’s another tip you can have for free. Value for money, today, eh?
Take your balls and rolls them in salt, shove them down your throat. Job done.
TL;DR: Chef has chocolate salty balls. Make sure they don’t stick. Use an ice cream scoop. My balls aren’t perfectly round, maybe yours will be.